Q: Have you heard about the lawyer's word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

A very drunk man turns up at his house at 6 o'clock in the morning with his hair and clothes dishevelled. His long suffering wife, who has been waiting up all night, shouts at him furiously, "I hope you have a good reason for getting home blind drunk at this time of the morning!"

"Yes," replied the man, "I'd like some breakfast!"

Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.

One signs to the other, 'Boy was my wife mad at me last night. She went on and on and wouldn't stop!'

The other Buddy says, 'When my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.'

'How do you do that?' says the other.

'It's easy! I turn off the light!'

After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. "Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges."

The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save ...Read more

There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.

One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced...Read more

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness ...Read more

A commercial airplane is in flight to Chicago, when a blonde woman sitting in economy gets up and moves to an open seat in the first class section. A flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must return to her seat in the economy class because that’s the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde woman ...Read more

1. Vegas bookies say the Blue Jays have better odds of winning the World Series.

2. North Korea says they’ll stop producing enriched uranium if you get voted off.

3. Your own mother says, “You’re great, but I’m really a big fan of Sanjiya!”

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.

"Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black."

"Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black."

"No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at ...Read more

"Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."

"Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk."

"Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it"

"Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk."

"Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've ...Read more

Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends' and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. I ...Read more

A lady went running to a doctor with a badly spoiled stomach.

"What did you eat for dinner last night?" asked the doctor.

"Oysters," she said.

"Fresh oysters?" asked the doctor.

"How should I know?" said the lady

"Well," asked the doctor, "couldn't you tell when you took off the shells?"

"My Gosh," gasped the lady. "Are you supposed to ...Read more

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.

As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a ...Read more

For those sarcastic moments...

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A PBS mind in an MTV ...Read more